


When Texting, Be Sure To Check For Auto-Corrections

by zinniapetals



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen, Possible Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 09:07:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5822695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinniapetals/pseuds/zinniapetals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a long period silence before Kondo broke it with the most high-pitched scream Hijikata has ever heard. He lunged for the phone and ripped it away, promptly fainting afterwards. Hijikata grabbed the phone before it could fall and read the sent text. He closed his eyes slowly and counted to five before reopening them, taking his time to reread the message with hope that it was just an illusion but the horrible words were still there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Texting, Be Sure To Check For Auto-Corrections

**Author's Note:**

> Saw [this](http://zinniapetals.tumblr.com/post/138059546004/alycyn-trying-to-flirt-like) and all I could think of was poor Kondo. This is set after the Farewell Shinsegumi Arc so a tiny spoiler for that. Also I did this in like an hour and wanted to post it before I completely forgot about it so my tenses are probably all over the place, sorry! Anyhow, enjoy ~

Hijikata just so happened to be passing by when he heard Kondo’s groan of frustration. He stopped and carefully peeked into the room and was unsurprised to see Kondo sitting in the middle of it with his phone in his hand. Ever since they left Edo Kondo has been obsessed with his phone, opening and messing around with it before sighing heavily and closing it again. Hijikata had never seen Kondo this distraught unless it involved Otae but he’s positive that she would have never gave him her phone number. Right?

He watched as Kondo flipped open his phone, began to type, quickly snapping it shut, and threw it across his room, only to sullenly walk over to pick it up.

It was a cycle that Hijikata had been staring at for the past ten minutes. 

“He’s still on his phone?” Sougo asked, startling Hijikata as he materialized out of thin air. “Bet you three hundred yen that she has yet to reply.”

“I’m not going to bet with you on that,” Hijikata huffed, pushing Sougo away, and took a deep drag of his cigarette. “How do you know he’s been texting a girl?”

“I looked at his screen one day and saw four eye’s older sister’s name there.” He shrugged as if invading other people’s privacy wasn’t a big deal for him, which if Hijikata thinks about it, it really wasn’t. “Maybe you should help him out like you did with four-eyes.”

“Yeah, and we know how well that went,” Hijikata replied back, flashbacks of Shinpachi’s pen pal jumping off a building. “This is something he has to overcome by himself.”

“But what if she never replies? He’s always going to have that phone on him. For all we know, she probably ignores all his messages or told him some lie that she’s always busy.”

“She isn’t that cruel,” Hijikata commented, savoring the last of his cigarette. “I’m sure she’d tell Kondo-san that he’s being a nuisance.”

“You guys know I can hear you right?” 

“We know,” Sougo replied, walking further into the room and sat down next to Kondo. He snatched the phone away with practiced ease and scrolled through it before smirking at Hijikata. “Hey hey, come over here.”

“No!” Kondo howled, jumping forward to take the phone away but Sougo easily evaded him. “Give me my phone back!”

Hijikata quirked his eyebrow and walked forward to Sougo, not because he was told to but because he was curious to what Kondo has been sending all this time.

“Toshi you better stop! This is an order! Don’t move!” Kondo’s pleas went unheard as Hijikata crouched down and read the horde of unsent drafts. “That’s it! Seppuku right now for the both of you! Stop reading!”

“That’s not your catchphrase,” Sougo stated, pulling the phone away from Hijikata and handed it back to Kondo. “If you needed help, why didn’t you come to us?”

“Ha, like he could go to you for something like this,” Hijikata scoffed, standing up and sneering at the younger male. “You couldn’t even properly say your feelings to China.”

“I’m sure my fist did the talking for me unlike certain people-“

“Okay, it was nice seeing you guys. Don’t you have some new recruits to terrorize?” Kondo asked, breaking apart his two friends before they could go off destroying another room, too much pent up frustration he thinks.

Hijikata’s the first one to realize this typical sign of misdirection so he pushed Sougo even further away from them and turned to Kondo is secrecy. 

“If you want, you know…” he trailed off, unsure how to offer his help without making it seem like Kondo was hopeless with this sort of stuff.

“Eh? What was that Hijikata? I couldn’t hear you, could you say it louder?” Sougo interjected loudly, cupping a hand over his ear. “You want to help Kondo-san out because he’s hopeless in the romance department? Ehhh? That’s kind of mean don’t you think?”

“I never said that!” Hijikata shouted, grabbing the hilt of his sword and turned to glare at Sougo who looked pleased with himself. Kondo’s hand calmly rested on Hijikata’s shoulder and that instantly calmed him down. “Kondo-san, you know- Why are you crying?”

“It’s okay you guys, I know I’m useless. I’ll just go jump off a bridge now,” he sniffed dramatically, turning and running towards the back door as Sougo threw his sword to door, ripping through it but effectively to stopping Kondo in his tracks. 

“Great, now we’re going to have to buy a new door,” Hijikata mumbled and shoot Sougo one last glare. “Look just calm down and come back and we’ll try to help you out.”

“Really? Toshiiiii,” Kondo crooned loudly jumping towards his vice-commander only to fall flat on the floor. “You guys are great! Okay so what should I first send?”

“Huh? You haven’t even sent your first text?”

“No, I wasn’t sure how my first text should go,” Kondo admitted, looking highly embarrassed. “Wait! Where are you guys going? You promised me to help me!”

Hijikata walked back into the room and sat next to Kondo while Sougo sat across from them, looking bored of this already. Hijikata didn’t know if he should be annoyed or surprised that Kondo has waited three weeks to send out his first text but this was his commander he was talking about.

“Just write hello,” Sougo suggested, standing up and saluting both of them. “Okay we’re finished and now I’m leaving.”

“Toshi grab him!” Hijikata did as Kondo commanded and grabbed Sougo’s pant leg and dragged him down, scowling at the younger male’s flippant attitude. “If it were that easy then I would have already sent it.”

“Then write, hello this is Kondo. How are you doing?” Hijikata suggested, standing up and stretched a bit. “Okay we’re done, time to go.”

“Sougo!” Sougo moved and punched Hijikata in the thigh, making the taller male fall flat with a dead leg.

“What the hell! I didn’t even punch you!” Hijikata moaned, both hands grabbing his thigh and using his left leg to try to kick Sougo.

“Well Kondo-san didn’t tell me what to do, he just said my name,” he easily replied, smirking at Hijikata’s pained face. “You must be out of practice if you couldn’t avoid that. Maybe I should take up my old hobby of trying to kill-I mean take your position.”

“You said kill! You clearly said kill!”

“Hey! Aren’t you two here to help me out? Stop bickering and get focused on the task.” Kondo’s abrupt strict tone made them freeze and they instinctually shut up and paid attention before remembering what they were helping him with. “Check out what I wrote. Is this good enough to send?”

The message was long and flowery, complete with emojis and lots of exclamations points. It was reminiscent of a junior high school girl who was first learning the wonders of texting. It was pathetic.

Hijikata scoffed at the phone and took it away to edit the message, deleting a good portion of it aka all of it. He took his time thinking of words to send, something that Kondo would send but also something Kondo wouldn’t send. His fingers expertly texted away, chuckling to himself at the pure beauty of his words, it was perfect.

Sougo took away the phone and deleted the draft.

“You didn’t even read it! Kondo-san! He didn’t even read it before deletin’ it!” Hijikata took out his sword and swung at Sougo who was expertly dodging it while typing. “Stop moving. I’m gonna kill ya!”

“Oops, you made me send it.”

There was a long period silence before Kondo broke it with the most high-pitched scream Hijikata has ever heard. He lunged for the phone and ripped it away, promptly fainting afterwards. Hijikata grabbed the phone before it could fall and read the sent text. He closed his eyes slowly and counted to five before reopening them, taking his time to reread the message with hope that it was just an illusion but the horrible words were still there.

“Hows life baby gorilla? Are you fucking kidding me Sougo?” Hijikata demanded, pushing the phone into Sougo’s chest. “Fix it now.”

“Baby gorilla?” Sougo glanced at the screen before giving an ugly snort. “Oh the phone must have auto corrected it before it sent. Here, this is what I meant.”

Sougo sent another text and it had an asterisk symbol with the word babygirl after it.

“There fixed it.” Sougo handed the phone back to Hijikata and walked out of the room while whistling a cheery tune.

Hijikata stared at the phone, drawing a blank on what to do. He could rewrite a text and say that Sougo was the one who sent that, it was highly plausible and Otae knew Sougo well enough to know his sadistic tendencies. Or he could come say that it was autocorrect but then again why the hell would Kondo send babygirl when he knows that Otae wouldn’t approve of that.

The phone chirped back and Hijikata took a deep breath before reading the new text.

Die.

Hijikata blinked and the phone chirped again.

Die.

Another text came through immediately afterwards, this time embellished with an seemingly innocent smiley face.

Are you dead yet?

He set the phone gently down next to Kondo’s head, knowing that it’ll be the first thing he saw when he regains consciousness and walked out of the room. There are some things that even Hijikata can’t deal with.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy fuck man, autocorrect sucks ass and whenever I try to type Kondo it says Condo and Sougo turns onto SoHo. But I hope you enjoyed this little piece and the characters weren't too OOC.


End file.
